Surviving Christmas Without Losing Yourself: A Guide for People-Pleasers

I don’t know about you, but I’m already feeling the unspoken, yet very palpable, Christmas frenzy. The big day is still …20 days away (only 20!) …but already friends seem to fall into camps.

Camp One: Christmas shop finished—tick! Presents wrapped—tick! Turkey ordered, veg mentally prepped, pudding sozzled after drinking its body weight in brandy since early autumn. “We are on track!” these insufferable friends chime. Double tick.

Camp Two: Friends rendered immobile by mounting anxiety and panic. What do I buy my elderly parents who have everything? How do I prevent the kids’ endless squabbles and comparisons? Work’s piling up, exhaustion creeping in, and all I want is to close the blinds, grab the Quality Streets, and hide.

Camp Three: The middle ground—one or two ticks, a bit of anxiety, a small dose of trepidation, but a plan to navigate the run-up to the big day and survive through Boxing Day.

People-Pleasing at Christmas

Christmas can be stressful, particularly for those with people-pleasing traits.

If part of your process is to people-please, you may have unconsciously learned that the best way to survive your family was to suppress your needs and focus on others. You became the helpful one, the peacemaker, the mediator—praised for keeping the peace. Brilliant strategy then, exhausting now. It can leave you resentful, put upon, invisible, and feeling unimportant.

Navigating People-Pleasing

Cod psychology might tell you to “please yourself and forget the rest”—as if it’s that easy. It’s not. You first adopted this strategy to ensure connection with your caregivers, and severing it suddenly could have repercussions.

Start with awareness.
Notice when you people-please. Is it saying yes to the office Christmas party when you’d rather see a couple of close work friends? Agreeing to organise all the presents, even when resentful that your partner isn’t helping? Accepting your adult children’s laid-back approach to plans, creating tension and uncertainty?

Delegate one thing.
People-pleasers often ‘rescue’ others, ironically taking away their autonomy. Task your partner with buying gifts for their parents, set a deadline, and let it be their job. Mistakes? Their gig, not yours.

Prioritise yourself.
What can you put in place for self-care this Christmas? A winter walk and coffee stop? A low-key lunch with a friend to offload and support each other? Perhaps a glass of wine and a Christmas movie (Love Actually always does it for me), giving yourself a sacred pocket of unavailability.

A Gentle Reminder

People-pleasing is an adaptation, a brilliant early survival strategy. But if it’s impacting you, especially in stressful times, notice it, create a little space for yourself, and protect it.

How can I help?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and this resonates, I’d love to connect to see how I can help. Together, we can explore your people-pleasing patterns, understand them, which will gently loosen their grip—so your holidays, and your life, can include you. Sound like a plan?